“Step family” – is that a broad term or what? It’s quickly becoming the most common family type in the U.S. Unfortunately, very few people realize how different a step family is from the traditional nuclear (mom, dad and their children) model. This confusion sets step family members up for confusion, frustration and disillusionment every day.

Let’s throw that nuclear family model out the window and create a new model that fits your step family. Here are the guidelines we suggest monitoring to decide how your family is doing…

1. Being civil – If members can be civil with one another on a regular basis rather than ignoring, purposely trying to hurt, or complete withdrawal you’re on track.

2. Solid marriage – Without the marriage, there is no family. It’s harder to take care of the marriage because in a step family, marriage equals instant family. You don’t have time for just couple time like most first marriages do. You’ll have to grow and mature into the marriage while parenting.

3. Compassion for where everyone is at – Members of your family will be at various life stages and have different needs (teens versus toddlers). They will also be at different stages in accepting this new family. Family members need to honor those differences among each other.

4. All relationships are respectful – Not everyone has to like each other but they do need to treat one another with respect. This is NOT just referring to the kids’ behavior toward the adults. Respect should be given not just based on age, but based on the fact that you are all family members now.

A final thought about those differences between step families and nuclear familes is that your definition for success will vary based on the developmental stage of the family itself. For example, if the step family is only 3 months old you may feel like you’re family is successful when your 13 year old daughter chooses to come out of her room and watch TV with the rest of the family. Then, when she goes to bed, her step dad tells her that it was nice to have her there. You’re not going to expect close, loving relationships where everyone wants to spend time together this early in the family’s development.

After a few years, hopefully the family will grow and members will choose to spend more time together and feel closer to one another, but this is never guaranteed. I encourage you to look at your step family differently. Notice the small gestures that the members make. Your family may not be “perfect” in your eyes, but be grateful for the steps it’s taking toward success everyday.

Life during the courtship period is frequently unrealistic as well as confusing. Daily life takes teamwork and cooperation to make a house a home. You may not be the natural Daddy or the Daddy they wanted, but you do deserve respect. Respect is earned and does not come automatically.

Step families Are Special

Parenting is hard enough in the first place and children love to test the limits of our patience and skills. Please remember that the children did not ask to be in this position and are understandably concerned and trying to work out the relationships in their own minds.

The child may have been in a position where the mother’s boyfriend gave him treats or special attention in order to win the affections of both mother and child. Now, in a day-to-day experience it takes a lot of give and take to make the family work, and rewards are not forthcoming for just being there. Generally speaking, the premarital adult-child relationships may be confusing for mature adults as well as children.

Regular Family Meetings

The most successful families I have worked with have always had a regular family meeting or round-table weekly. This enables all members of the blended family to discuss issues, set goals and clarify situations. These meetings, which allow both parents and children to participate and become empowered. Held on a weekly basis, many small problems can be solved before they become large ones.

Discussing problems and expectations on a regular basis allows everyone to feel part of the team. Make sure that you and your spouse are united on goals for the family and that you show respect and kindness to each other and the children. A good parenting plan includes all responsible adults.

You Are Not My Daddy

One of the main issues of step parenting is to do your level best to respect and honor the relationship the child has with the biological parent, but still offering love and attention. Talk about the biological parent in positive or neutral terms. If you speak negatively about the parent, the child will feel defensive, guilty and as if he too was being judged harshly.

If the biological or “real daddy” was negligent or a poor parent, your job is to empathize with the child. As you demonstrate that you are going to be a permanent, but loving part of the child’s life, there will be less and less power struggles.