Divorced or separated parents frequently say two things about their children; either “we tried to stay together for the sake of the children but it just didn’t work” or “the children would not have wanted us to be unhappy”. The sad truth is that most children would actually prefer their parents to be unhappy as long as they were still together, as one parent leaving the family home is so traumatic for the children involved. However, divorce and separation is a fact of life and handling it sensitively can minimise the trauma and the upset for the children. 1. No blame situation
Children absorb a great deal. They draw conclusions from half-heard conversations that they don’t understand, and they frequently feel that somehow they have caused their parents to split up. As parents, perfectly naturally, say things like “you are driving me to the end of my tether”, when one parent actually does leave the child may think that they have driven the parent to it. It is up to you to make sure that your child understands that they are not at fault, that this was a decision made by two responsible adults and that your principal concern is that your children are happy and well. 2. Give an overview
Don’t go into too much detail about the reasons behind the break-up. Children will seize on aspects of the rationale and will try and “fix it”, when ultimately they can’t, which can make them feel as if they have failed. Reiterate that it was a decision that you reached as a couple, not as parents, and that as a parent your children are still the most important part of your life. 3. Don’t pass on responsibility
Many people think they are respecting children’s views but are really overloading them with the responsibility of choice. It is important to consult your children (depending on age) on where they would like to live, and other practical issues, but don’t give them too many choices. It can make children feel panicky, and as if they are in charge and have to make the “right” decision. They worry that if they choose “wrongly” then somehow, again, the situation will all be their fault. 4. Be Mr Reliable
In the initial stage of the separation it is essential that the children feel they can rely on you. Always be punctual, create a set routine for as much as you can and stick to it. In that way, out of chaos will come order and they will begin to relax slightly and feel that they can trust you and that not everything has changed. You are still Dad, still in charge and still reliable. When everything else in their life has entered a state of flux, it is very important that there are certain constants, and you have to be one of those constants. 5. Talk it through
Your child may find avoid mentioning their mother to you, as they may feel guilty even spending time with her. Try not to criticize the other parent to them, ask them leading questions, or find out what the other parent is doing. Your relationship with their other parent is your issue, but to your child both parents are essential and valuable. Keeping communication channels open is vital in this situation and if your children start to feel interrogated or defensive they will clam up. Consider offering them counselling, therapy or family therapy. It doesn’t have to be a huge commitment, but just a few sessions of a neutral environment in which they can express their concerns, or show emotions like anger that they may have difficulty in demonstrating to you in case it upsets you, will be mentally beneficial for them. 6. Inform others
Let the school know, in a very low key way, what the situation is so that your child’s teachers are aware and can keep an eye out for any behaviour changes. Some children can regress after a separation (partly as a psychological response – “no-one can leave me because I am still a baby”) and anxiety bed-wetting, refusal to eat, more whiney or demanding behaviour or aggression are common. Don’t panic that you have scarred the child for life, just keep calm, consistent and reassuring and the child will gradually return to normal. 7. Let them talk
Don’t feel threatened if your child develops a bond with another adult outside the home, maybe a more distant relative or family friend. Children need an adult’s input to understand what is going on, but may find it too emotionally charged to talk to you, so give them the space to talk to someone neutral.
8. Enjoy their childhood
Try and avoid saying things like “you’ve got to help look after daddy now” or ask older siblings to play a much bigger part in the care of younger ones. They are entitled to their childhoods, and most importantly they need to feel total faith in their father, that you are the parent, you are in charge and that they can rely on you. Even children who are usually keen to demonstrate how “grown-up” they are can feel incredibly threatened and vulnerable by a separation, so don’t hurry them into maturity because of the situation.
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Filed under: Custody & Impacted on Children
